When I woke up this morning, I thought my whole day would be a terrible one.
To start, I had a nightmare that the object of my affection was
involved with someone else and I was just despondent. I understand that
dreams have no importance when it comes to the real world, but
witnessing such betrayal, even in dream, is disheartening.
Also, recent "happenings" here at home had left me in quite a fury. I
had been holding back some things that really needed to be said.
I spent the entire day cleaning.. not because I wanted to, but
because I was upset. I picked up puppy poop, swept, mopped. I even
drained and cleaned my sister's turtle pond. I fed all the little
critters and fed my own kiddohs too. Then I managed a load of laundry and
cooked some dinner before my quiet little bubble finally burst. With one
phone call, all the stitches that I had on my lips split open and every
little thing that had been pestering me was spilling out and gaining
momentum. I just couldn't keep my mouth shut anymore.
Finally, when all was said, my sister came home and we had a sit
down and a sincere talk. I must admit, it's rather nice to be on the receiving end of a
"sorry" for once. It's a word I've been told I say way too often. Suddenly, my problems at home seemed to get smaller. Then, a talk
on the phone from my love provided me with the reassurance I needed
after that horrible "dream" I had. It seems my day wasn't so awful after
Just when I thought things were alright, I got a message from a
little girly I know, and this unexpected news blew my mind. She's
family... Well, my ex-husband's family, but I still love her the same.
Turns out, she's pregnant with her first! When we were exchanging
messages, I was overjoyed and was hoping she wasn't joking. She could
have waited, or chosen to tell me another day. Heck, she could have let
me find out from other members of the family, as we don't exactly talk
often, but I wish she knew how much it means to me that she decided to
share this news with me. It really brightened my day. I am super excited
for her and I wish her the best!!!
This day has been nothing like I planned. Just a reminder, everyone, that
things can change without us even trying, so remain optimistic folks!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Well today is the day I have finally decided to commit to a blog. I have been going through quite a bit lately and have found that I am in need of an outlet. I would write a diary, but hey, who has time to write things out by hand anymore? I sure don't.
These past few weeks I have been very confused about which direction to take with my life, and today my negativity and bewilderment have impelled me to finally let loose.
When I was seven years old, I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I had my entire life mapped out. I could tell you what career I wanted, what kind of vehicles I wanted to drive, my plans for school... at seven years old I could paint a vivid image of what type of lifestyle I desired and I could describe with great detail what things I needed to accomplish in order to attain my goals.
Now, fifteen years later, I have no idea what I am doing. I have so many options, yet have found myself to be rather fickle. I cannot make up my mind about anything. I can't decide what I want to do for a living. I don't know where I should live. There are things that I want, but I feel that they are unobtainable. I'm at a point in my life where I am disheartened by my inability to say, "I can."
I would love to have a career as a United States Marine (my dream job, even at seven), but I am divorced with two kids. I know it's not impossible, but very unfair to my already disapproving family and my lovely children. My other option would be to work a 9 to 5 at minimum wage... a job that I could never truly love... only to barely get by (not that the Marine Corps would pay well, but at least I'd love my job). Oh, why can't I be a single mother in the Marine Corps? Jeesh.
Right now I live in Desert Hot Springs, California. It is the dump of the Coachella Valley and I'm almost positive that this is where many of California's parolees and sex offenders are automatically sent to upon release from prison. This place is the definition of GHETTO! It's likely less than 25 square miles, most of which is just empty desert, but the lifestyle here is that of a big city... fast and full of partying, drugs, and crime. I want to move to a small country town. I would love to go Montana... Bozeman area, but I don't think I can handle the winters. I would also consider a small town in Texas, Idaho, Tennessee, Wyoming, South Dakota, Kentucky.... Well, you get the point. I want to move to a small country town. With no money however, this dream seems nothing more than just an idea. I hope I'm not stuck in this valley forever.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand... my indecisive little brain. Thoughts have been whirring in my head and for the first time I feel like I don't know what to do, where to go, or who to turn to. It sounds so simple reading back over this post. "Get a temporary job, save some money, then move. Duh!" But it's amazing how the mind works... or doesn't work. I suppose I just need to get some rest and stop worrying about my future as if my mind needs to be made up by tomorrow. I know it's early, but I'm calling it a night.