These past few weeks I have been very confused about which direction to take with my life, and today my negativity and bewilderment have impelled me to finally let loose.
When I was seven years old, I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I had my entire life mapped out. I could tell you what career I wanted, what kind of vehicles I wanted to drive, my plans for school... at seven years old I could paint a vivid image of what type of lifestyle I desired and I could describe with great detail what things I needed to accomplish in order to attain my goals.
Now, fifteen years later, I have no idea what I am doing. I have so many options, yet have found myself to be rather fickle. I cannot make up my mind about anything. I can't decide what I want to do for a living. I don't know where I should live. There are things that I want, but I feel that they are unobtainable. I'm at a point in my life where I am disheartened by my inability to say, "I can."
I would love to have a career as a United States Marine (my dream job, even at seven), but I am divorced with two kids. I know it's not impossible, but very unfair to my already disapproving family and my lovely children. My other option would be to work a 9 to 5 at minimum wage... a job that I could never truly love... only to barely get by (not that the Marine Corps would pay well, but at least I'd love my job). Oh, why can't I be a single mother in the Marine Corps? Jeesh.
Right now I live in Desert Hot Springs, California. It is the dump of the Coachella Valley and I'm almost positive that this is where many of California's parolees and sex offenders are automatically sent to upon release from prison. This place is the definition of GHETTO! It's likely less than 25 square miles, most of which is just empty desert, but the lifestyle here is that of a big city... fast and full of partying, drugs, and crime. I want to move to a small country town. I would love to go Montana... Bozeman area, but I don't think I can handle the winters. I would also consider a small town in Texas, Idaho, Tennessee, Wyoming, South Dakota, Kentucky.... Well, you get the point. I want to move to a small country town. With no money however, this dream seems nothing more than just an idea. I hope I'm not stuck in this valley forever.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand... my indecisive little brain. Thoughts have been whirring in my head and for the first time I feel like I don't know what to do, where to go, or who to turn to. It sounds so simple reading back over this post. "Get a temporary job, save some money, then move. Duh!" But it's amazing how the mind works... or doesn't work. I suppose I just need to get some rest and stop worrying about my future as if my mind needs to be made up by tomorrow. I know it's early, but I'm calling it a night.